>>4919
yo coffee_a_rice... my man. it's gud ur able to understand japanese.
most ppl can't even get past the first scene of a visual novel, let alone the first sentence or even the first kanji. so kudos.
u just need to translate more and u'll get better.
I took a small beginning chunk of s053 that you said u revised and gave some sample translations right underneath yours. (i haven't played that route so i just winged it on the translations).
o ya, what's ur twitter or email btw?
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【Risa】「ふうう……まだまだ、こっちも暑いわねぇ」「Fuu......not yet, it's hot here too」
「Fuu... it's still hot here.」
南の島で過ごした、夢のような夏休みも終わり。Leaving the southern island, summer vacation ended like a dream.
Our summer vacation that was like a dream spent on the southern island has finally come to an end.
学校の方は、2学期に――いつもの日常が戻ってきた。At the school, is the second term――our usual everyday is back.
Our lives have gone back to normal. [this also implies going back to school & we all already know they're 2nd years]
【Risa】「こんなこと言うのはなんだけど、行きだけ車で送ってもらってる美夜が、こういう時だけは羨ましくなるわ……ぁぁ」「It's like this though, Miya had a car send her off, and only at times like this I get jealous......sigh」
I can't help but say this, but in times like this, I kind of get jealous that Miya has someone who'll escort her anywhere by car... aah.
じりじりとした暑さの中、校門までの道のりを何台もの高級外車が私を追い抜いていく。Scorchingly feeling hot inside, when I got to the school gate a high-class foreign car went pass me.
Within this scorching heat, many high-class foreign cars pass by me, heading towards the school gate.
【Risa】「ああ、お嬢様にはやっぱり、この日焼けが敵なんでしょうね……」「Aah, as what you'd expect from an ojou-sama, getting sunburned is a threat......」
「Aah, sunburn is definitely a threat to Ojou-samas.」
額に汗しながら歩いているうちに、やっとミカ女の校舎が見えてきた。Though there's sweat on my forehead while walking, at last St. Michael's school building can be seen.
While walking with sweat on my forehead, I managed to reach the school buildings of St. Micheal's...
……と、そこへ車が一台、ピタリと止まる。......When, that one car, suddenly came to a stop.
... When suddenly, a car came to a stop.
中から降りてきたのは…… What stepped out from inside was......
The one who stepped out from inside was...
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uh, i guess my advice is don't translate sentences in the order it appears (sometimes this works & sometimes no). this method works 100% in japanese but not english.
your sentences make sense but doesn't flow. try shifting your translated sentences around until it does flow. as practice, try and fix the following five sentences from s053 and post it here.
【Risa】「み、美夜、こんな朝早くから会うなんて、めずらしいわね」「Mi, Miya, to see you so early in the morning like this, how unusual」
【Miya】「ええ、たまにはね……璃紗にちょっと、時間を合わせてみたのよ」「Eeh, once in a while......just a bit with Risa, to have time to meet with you」
【Risa】「へぇ……どういう風の吹き回しかしら?」「Hee......I wonder what sudden turn of events this is?」
嬉しいけど、ついつい、こんなことを言ってしまう。I'm happy but, subconsciously, such thoughts were put to an end.
【Miya】「ふふふっ、わたくしにそれを言わせる気かしら、璃紗?」「Fufufu, am I the one you're thinking of, Risa?」